Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right...

It's become increasingly irritating how divisive our country has gotten. Am I alone here? The vast majority of us used to congregate in the "middle" - some would lean one way or the other a bit, but it was just enough to keep a healthy balance of perspective. There were always die-hard whack-jobs on the extremes, they may have been loud, but they were a minority - nothing more than a reminder to those in the middle that it was the right place to be. And now? Those whack-jobs have gotten louder and have been getting more attention (thanks social media) and they have been pulling support from the middle. They've drawn a big, fat line down the middle and have created a toxic environment where you have to choose a side...or else. Cancelled. Labeled. Generalized. If you're not with us, you're against us. If you don't support this, you're that.

It's as if we can't have opinions anymore. Should we be brave enough to try to share a perspective, SOMEONE will take issue with it and try to destroy it. Every preference argued, every point-of-view scrutinized. We used to be able to have a mind to change. Now, you must not only be sure of your stance, but no matter what, your stance will most assuredly place you in opposition of a population that will consider you an enemy. The middle used to be a place of collaboration and conversation. Some might change their mind, while others would not - which was fine...agree to disagree used to be an accepted result. Now? There are clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right and in the middle they see minds to be shrunk and mouths to be silenced.

Personally, I don't see how this toxic framework is sustainable. My only hope is that those that were previously in the middle who were forced to gravitate to the extremes, will find themselves fed up and find their way back...and bring their voice with them. I hope this stretch to the extremes works like a rubber band and snaps back into place after being pulled too far. But how far can we stretch? Or will the rubber band just break? Scary thought.

It is possible to have an opinion without an adversary. A perspective without an agenda. A belief without a prejudice. Why have so many forgotten this? Thoughts and feelings aren't finite and are meant to change with the tides of life. Why do people feel the need to draw lines in the sand? The waves of knowledge and experience are meant to wash onto the shore and change the landscape...naturally and effortlessly. We should be learning from history, not erasing it. We should be exchanging perpectives, not silencing them. We should be living life, not fearing it.

I sincerely hope that more eyes will open and the mass evacuation from the middle will be reversed. A divided culture is a weak culture. A weak culture is easily manipulated and dominated. Our country was founded on principals of freedom, yet freedom seems to be having supply chain issues. I know I'm not crazy for remaining in the middle, but it is getting awfully lonely here. I'm waiting for my fellow free-thinkers to find their way back. Until then, here I am, stuck in the middle with...my faith in humanity.

K8

Show me the way to go home...

This one is going to be a little different...brace yourself - my emotions will be showing.

We often broadcast our wants and needs of a relationship for public consumption as if we are all open books, but somewhere, in the liner notes, there are pieces of information kept behind the veil. Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Yet, for many, it always seems out of their grasp and they always want to understand why. That is the ultimate question, isn't it?

Why?

Why do we find ourselves in strange places in our lives that we don't understand how we arrived there? How does it happen? It surely doesn't happen overnight - we evolve to those places over time, yet it's funny how we can't pinpoint the exact decisions that led us there. If we can't understand how we got there - how can we ever figure out which decisions will show us the way out? How do you navigate without a map? I feel like I'm blindly navigating my life - bumping into experiences here and there as I fumble around trying to locate my "destiny". What is my purpose? What am I meant to be doing? Who am I meant to be navigating life with? Where is my home? Home. My most cherished location is not just a physical place, it is much more complex to me - it is where my soul feels at peace...and sadly, I've been homeless most of my life.

As an extremely passionate person. I have a depth to me that few have seen and even fewer "get". If I'm being honest, it is an extremely lonely existence. And yes, it is possible to be lonely while in a relationship...I know it all too well. To be fair, it doesn't equate to a loveless relationship, it just means (for me) that it bobs contently on the surface, rather than cementing itself deep within the core of me. Deep right? (bad joke)

I feel so misunderstood at times. I feel as though my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are just "too much" for most people. Too much. I've heard that phrase in my life more than I care to admit. But its polar opposite? Not enough. Now, I've NEVER heard those words in my life. The irony? I have always felt...not enough. I've always felt there was some aspect of me that was, for the lack of a better term, a turn-off. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not skinny enough, whatever...just not enough.

We have all heard the saying that the heart wants what it can't have, but in my case, my heart wants what it's never had. I dream of just being who I am and someone simply loving me for it. All of it. Not only truly loving my unique compilation of flaws, but truly understanding them so they "get" me. All of me. Not just my fun-loving surface, but also my deeply passionate and emotional soul.

According to Meyers-Briggs (or whoever), I have the rarest personality type in the world and I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Again, to me, that spells out a lonely and misunderstood existence which does little to boost my emotional morale at the moment. I know better than to give online personality tests too much significance, but in this case, to mention it was fitting.

To sum it up, I feel lost, lonely, listless. I want nothing more than to find myself where I belong, to find my home. The safe space for my soul to finally have peace - where it is understood and cherished. Otherwise, it seems such a waste to have the capacity to love so deeply, yet never be able to properly do so with reciprocity. The universe really does have a sick sense of humor.

Until next time...

K8

Social Media Madness

I'm proud to be in the not-so-silent minority when it comes to social media. Fun fact about K8? She hates social media...with a passion. Why? Pull up a chair.

Before I start my seemingly unending rant on the revolting erosion of humanity that social media has unleashed on our already fragile society, let me go ahead and concede the positive impact it has had. 

Connectedness. People are able to easily stay connected to those that live far away or rarely see for one reason or another. It provides a platform to share pictures and life events with ease - alleviating the need to send 20 different emails or (God-forbid) a large group text message. People have also been able to locate lost loved ones/pets, network for career opportunities, and cast a wider fundraising net. 

There are undoubtedly positive aspects to this technology, but much like any medication that promises to cure what ails you - there is always a cost with laundry list of side effects.

Personally, I don't feel like it ever helped me feel connected. In fact, all I saw was a pervasive illusion of self-importance that carried with it an undertow of divisiveness. Are we honestly any more "connected" than we were before? I don't believe so. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. Let me briefly divert this to a comparable concept...

People used to talk on the phone before, remember that? Why do you think that is rare these days? Let me guess, you're about to spew rehearsed responses such as: 

"I'm too busy for calls" -- no you're not. People are no busier now then they were previously when calling was the "way of the world"...there is now just an alternate option which puts the choice in your hands and you CHOOSE not to converse live. You know why most people shy away from this? Because you can't fake a phone call (at least not easily). Texting gives you the ability to think (and re-think) your words before they are received. I would argue that on a phone call, people are more "true to themselves" as they don't have time to construct an alternate (perhaps more appealing) way to be perceived. By texting, we can be wittier and wiser simply by just having the time to rehearse our words.

"Texting is more convenient" -- Is it really? Think about it. How long does it take you to have a full conversation between you and another person? After you take into account the time it takes to go back and forth and folding in the instances where someone gets side-tracked with another text message interjecting or some other distraction that takes them away from the focus of your typed conversation - it can be hours...or days! With a couple of exceptions notwithstanding, I usually have a threshold floating in the back of my mind that if we go back-and-forth "X" number of times, I'm just going to call them, because this can easily be settled with a 5 min phone call. Work smart, not hard, right?

The reality is that text messaging has just given us the ability to better "control" the interactions that we have and "control" the way our communications are received, better than before. The control is an illusion and the result is a fraudulent version of ourselves.

Now, let's circle back to social media and apply the same principle - it works the same way. We are not "too busy" to interact personally and it's really not "more convenient" - we just find the social media option more appealing because it allows us to paint a picture for others that we want them to see, a picture we'd rather see.

All social media has really done is made it possible to broadcast our lives to a wider audience in hope of locating validation in one form or another. For example, the picture I posted of myself is not really beautiful unless I see that others have stamped it with their "emojis of approval" - which we subconsciously hope reaches a certain threshold...where it is "liked" enough to remain posted as a beacon of perceived reality. This is a lie. And people eat it for breakfast. It distorts reality so much so that we find ourselves wrapped up in the comparison of these false realities...we compare ourselves to the point where we lose happiness in our real lives. I can think of nothing more tragic than an individual feeling less than simply because of the skillful representation of others being more than. We all would appear "more than" if we displayed ourselves and our lives through the lens of a flattering filter. 

Many reasons drove my decision to "delete my accounts", my top 5 being:

1. I hate fake. I'm into the real deal. I accept people's flaws and see them as their uniqueness, that wonderful thing that differentiates them from another. Individuality is beautiful. Seeing people how they truly are (good and bad) is the only way to truly know someone.

2. I prefer sincerity. A natural side effect of being absent from social media is being out of sight, out of mind. Since I am not broadcasting my life, I am not "on the radar", so to speak, so I hear from people less. This can feel isolating at times, but I find solace in knowing that when I do hear from someone it is because they thought of me, unprompted. It means their reason for contact was genuine and I love that.

3. I am sincere. My previous point also works in reverse. I don't have social media to prompt me nor am I fed reminders of birthdays. I reach out to people to wish them a Happy Birthday on my own accord. I reach out to people when they cross my mind because I feel those moments happen for a reason...and I believe in the importance of acting on it. I like to think that those in my life see that and appreciate it, as I'm sure it's rare.

4. There's too much negativity being spread on platforms on Facebook. Everyone posts their opinions and then there is always someone eager to contradict it - neither tends to be respectful or kind. People have come to value their own opinions so strongly, that they have forgotten that they are in fact, opinions. Opinions can be, and should be, changed when appropriate, but people seem to have difficulty admitting fault these days...such dangerous behavior.

5. Social media is a lucrative, (and in my opinion unethical) business. The apps are free, the access is free, and the content is free...why? Because in exchange for this service being free, people are offering up their personal data to be ingested, analyzed, packaged, and sold for profit. There is a saying: "If you aren't paying for the product, you ARE the product." Why is that a problem? Your data is an extension of your privacy and by willingly giving that a way you are essentially giving unrestricted access to yourself. For example, you might find it convenient (or uncanny) that mountain bike ads start showing up on your feed after doing some light research on mountain bikes the day before making it easier to buy the mountain bike you were interested in. This makes mountain bike companies happy because they can reach a potential consumer that they otherwise would never have known existed. And you? You get a mountain bike - yay!  What about the other side to that coin? After weeks/months/years of aggregating your trends, opinions, and other key data points, your world becomes smaller. When you type in Google "Why is..." you start to get different suggested endings that differ from someone else typing in that same information. They have determined "who you are" and therefore have altered your access to what is believed to be "in your best interest". This is dangerous because this type of filtering is exactly what alters reality...just like filters on a photo. They make you see what they want you to see.

Okay so when I say "they" I don't want you to get all clammed up thinking I'm a tin-foil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorist. I'm not. I say "they" as a generalized term to mean that "they" are whoever is ingesting and utilizing the data, which is presumably anyone who pays for it. This is a real thing and is a well-known fact. People pay to have access to personal data for marketing purposes as well as targeting purposes. To me, it is a slippery slope and I try to do what I can to avoid contributing to it. This is the world we live in now where technology reigns supreme. The revolutionist in me wants to stage a coup...

 

Who's with me? 

 

K8

 

The Birdcage

Note: This entry was originally written August 10, 2018...I never published it and I'm not sure what my reasoning was at that time. Nevertheless, my thoughts and sentiments have not changed, so I've decided to publish it. Enjoy...

This quote has always been among my favorites. Both for its brutal truth and beautiful simplicity. I've always felt that there is a tremendous amount of unnecessary pressure in relationships. Dates that resemble job interviews followed by social media mind games. The goal being to hold onto the relationship bliss long enough to then talk marriage to lock it down, so everyone can finally settle down. Why?

I often have difficulty wrapping my mind around marriage or "contractual love" as I like to call it. How can you possibly promise someone that you'll love them forever? What happens if you fall out of love? What if you become incompatible? The pursuit of happiness is an inherent right. I would much rather my partner find happiness with someone else rather than feeling trapped in misery with me. Love is a verb - an action, a daily decision. I can think of no greater act of love than to give someone the freedom to be happy even if it means that they find it elsewhere. That is true love. 

Don't get me wrong, commitment and loyalty are expected and reciprocated in my relationships, but having the freedom to leave creates a perpetual dating environment that naturally breeds a deeper appreciation for one another. Think about it - if you know your partner can easily walk away whenever they want, you continue your effort to keep them and naturally cherish their presence because you know they are with you by choice, not requirement. Picture it: Birds in a cage with an open door. Unfortunately, a relationship like this requires a considerable amount of honesty and openness - and really good communication. That is where people shy away - that is where the challenge lies.

"Don't expect loyalty from people who can't give you honesty."

I've been told repeatedly that I'm a rare breed - an old soul that holds honesty and integrity to the highest of standards and often to a fault. I've found that most people are unable to co-exist with such a level of truth. Does this mean that I never lie? That I never make mistakes? Of course not - I'm just as flawed as everyone else! However, what it does mean is that I value honesty so much that it seems to dwarf everything else. Truth goes a long way with me...even if it causes me pain.



Perhaps my thirst for truth is the direct result of being lied to so much over the years. I've found that everyone has their demons and there's no shame in that...but I would much rather know them, than have them hidden from me. To me, discovering a lie is like realizing that you've been living in an illusion which inevitably fills me with self-doubt, sadness, and feeling foolish. I just can't stand it. There's absolutely no reason to lie to me. I'm far too understanding and forgiving. But alas, I have found it increasingly more difficult to find someone who shares this same sentiment...and that's heart-breaking for me. All I've ever wanted was an open, honest connection with someone. No illusions. No false promises. Just real. The older I get, the more scared I become that I won't find that. And honestly, if I can't have that, then I would rather be alone.



This is a double-edged sword for me because being alone sucks. For someone like me, solitude is like cruel and unusual punishment - I need connection like I need air. 

I've always been told that I'm an intense person...a hard pill to swallow. I feel everything so deeply. When I'm sad, it's despair. When I'm angry, it's rage. When I'm happy, it's complete bliss. I get it. I'm hard to handle. Sorry to say, I don't know how to be any other way. I always believed that someday someone would be able to match my depth of passion and my need for honesty. Yet, here I am, still waiting...

-K8

And the plot sickens...

Well, everyone else is talking about it, so I may as well throw in my two cents...

Has everyone lost their damn mind?

Protests, terrorism, race wars...as a self-proclaimed "history buff", I find myself delirious with déjà vu. These battles have already been fought and paid for. I'm perplexed as to how and why they are rearing their ugly heads once again in a different place and time. Are we doomed to keep repeating our own history? Has our progress been nothing but a seductive illusion?

Everyone seems to feel the need to draw hard lines. Us vs. Them. You vs. Me.

So divisive our society has become - and to what end? None of these lines drawn in the sand have made anything better, only worse. Focusing on our differences while deliberately ignoring our commonalities is fueling a fire that will most assuredly burn our nation to the ground.

I have always thought that the difference of opinion is what creates the petri dish of progress; where ingenuity is born. However, recent events have spurred a dynamic that can only be described as pure lunacy. The stability of our nation (due to its size and status) is reliant on our ability to embrace our differences and stay the course. "United we stand, divided we fall".

People need to open their eyes, shut their mouths, and check their egos at the door. There is no winning a battle of witlessness. These cataclysmic clashes occurring on our main stage are only highlighting our weaknesses. People think they are fighting the good fight to be heard, however, they are only drawing attention to the gaping wounds in our society that will only grow septic with time. It's time to dress our wounds and move forward - enough with the petty jabs for the sheer sake of "principle".

This has got to be the most misguided generation to ever take the reins of this country. Albeit it's my generation, but it's one that I never truly felt a part of. I have an old soul that forever feels out of place. I appreciate simpler times and simpler things. I can't connect with a generation that is constantly glued to their phones as their main means of "connection" to other human beings. Their passive-aggressive nature and inability to withstand even the mildest of confrontation or criticism is nauseating to me. Why is everyone so easily offended? Have we lost our ability to simply shrug off the haters and keep walking? Why must every sour experience turn into a public stand-off?

The insurgence of social media is undoubtedly the main catalyst for this change. It creates a forum where everything is news and everyone has carte blanche to give their opinion. As of February of this year, Facebook reported having over 1.86 billion active users - that's an insane number of opinionated individuals (most of which have hair-trigger tempers), all instantly connected by a click of a button. What a powder keg.

This would be a terribly long post if I were to dive into each issue currently overwhelming the headlines, so I think it best to table that temptation for another day. In short, I just wish people would just snap out of it. Stop making assumptions, unfair generalizations, and drawing baseless conclusions. Entertaining this kind of madness is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

K.

Check your individuality at the door.

I'm a nerd. I'm a jock. I'm a stoner.

I'm a Republican. I'm a Democrat. I'm a Libertarian.

I'm an Atheist. I'm a Christian. I'm a Buddhist.

I'm gay. I'm straight. I'm polyamorous cisgender pansexual.

Labels, labels, labels. For as long as I can remember, there have always been labels lurking about and limiting self-expression. Labels may assist with the sense of community which creates a home of acceptance, but I also find them to be equally problematic. It seems to me that once you have placed a label on yourself, you are then held to the defining standards of said label. If your a straight, Republican, Christian, jock - then your identity has already been painted onto the canvas before you can even make one brushstroke. Your identity has been abbreviated into bite-size portions that people can digest more easily. People think they have the answer before even hearing the question.

We are individuals. Do we have commonalities? Of course. But like our fingerprints, we are undeniably unique. I find this to be the most intriguing fact about the human race - so much beautiful diversity.

Can't people just be who they are without limitations and boundaries? Like what they like, love who they love, and believe in what they believe in, without the typecasting?

Change is inevitable - evolution and adaptability is key to survival. How can a society evolve and adapt to their changing environment if it is insistent on keeping itself contained in conveniently labeled boxes? How does anyone ever really get to know someone?

Challenge: Try to get to know people on a real level - no assumptions, no labels. 

K.

Times they are a-changin'...

I stumbled back upon this blog that had drifted into oblivion over 4 years ago and I realized as I "thumbed through the pages" how much I missed it. I think it's time to start writing again.

A lot has changed over the past 4 years. I often find myself looking back from my current circumstances and find it perplexing how I got here. Ever been driving your car and suddenly you have arrived at your destination without any recollection of your journey? Same feeling - eerie and unsettling.

I don't like my current circumstances and I feel as though I have limited means of changing them...at least for now. To be honest, I'm at a loss as to where to start - a classic chicken/egg conundrum. New job? New housing? What if you need a new job in order to afford new housing? All of these questions further complicated by having a 3-year old to consider and provide for. I want a better life for us both, but the current outlook looks bleak at best. I just keep telling myself that the only constant in life is change, so if I give it some time, I will soon face a new reality. It's an unwritten rule of the universe.

I have resolved to set my focus on my attitude. I have been miserable for longer than I care to admit and despite my best efforts (and fake smiles), it has shown through. My world has caught on and my bluff has been called. It's time to face the music. Once the light has revealed a problem, there's no sense in trying to re-cloak it in darkness - you can't un-ring a bell. That being said, I'm doing what I can to find my smile again.

I sincerely think writing will help. I've always found solace in the written word and it has always been the best form of communication for me. I can choose each word with precise purpose to ensure that my thoughts and feelings are communicated clearly. It's therapeutic and soul-soothing.

And just like that, a blog is re-born.

Stay tuned...

K.