We often broadcast our wants and needs of a relationship for public consumption as if we are all open books, but somewhere, in the liner notes, there are pieces of information kept behind the veil. Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Yet, for many, it always seems out of their grasp and they always want to understand why. That is the ultimate question, isn't it?
Why?
Why do we find ourselves in strange places in our lives that we don't understand how we arrived there? How does it happen? It surely doesn't happen overnight - we evolve to those places over time, yet it's funny how we can't pinpoint the exact decisions that led us there. If we can't understand how we got there - how can we ever figure out which decisions will show us the way out? How do you navigate without a map? I feel like I'm blindly navigating my life - bumping into experiences here and there as I fumble around trying to locate my "destiny". What is my purpose? What am I meant to be doing? Who am I meant to be navigating life with? Where is my home? Home. My most cherished location is not just a physical place, it is much more complex to me - it is where my soul feels at peace...and sadly, I've been homeless most of my life.
As an extremely passionate person. I have a depth to me that few have seen and even fewer "get". If I'm being honest, it is an extremely lonely existence. And yes, it is possible to be lonely while in a relationship...I know it all too well. To be fair, it doesn't equate to a loveless relationship, it just means (for me) that it bobs contently on the surface, rather than cementing itself deep within the core of me. Deep right? (bad joke)
I feel so misunderstood at times. I feel as though my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are just "too much" for most people. Too much. I've heard that phrase in my life more than I care to admit. But its polar opposite? Not enough. Now, I've NEVER heard those words in my life. The irony? I have always felt...not enough. I've always felt there was some aspect of me that was, for the lack of a better term, a turn-off. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not skinny enough, whatever...just not enough.
We have all heard the saying that the heart wants what it can't have, but in my case, my heart wants what it's never had. I dream of just being who I am and someone simply loving me for it. All of it. Not only truly loving my unique compilation of flaws, but truly understanding them so they "get" me. All of me. Not just my fun-loving surface, but also my deeply passionate and emotional soul.
According to Meyers-Briggs (or whoever), I have the rarest personality type in the world and I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Again, to me, that spells out a lonely and misunderstood existence which does little to boost my emotional morale at the moment. I know better than to give online personality tests too much significance, but in this case, to mention it was fitting.
To sum it up, I feel lost, lonely, listless. I want nothing more than to find myself where I belong, to find my home. The safe space for my soul to finally have peace - where it is understood and cherished. Otherwise, it seems such a waste to have the capacity to love so deeply, yet never be able to properly do so with reciprocity. The universe really does have a sick sense of humor.
Until next time...
K8
