The Birdcage

Note: This entry was originally written August 10, 2018...I never published it and I'm not sure what my reasoning was at that time. Nevertheless, my thoughts and sentiments have not changed, so I've decided to publish it. Enjoy...

This quote has always been among my favorites. Both for its brutal truth and beautiful simplicity. I've always felt that there is a tremendous amount of unnecessary pressure in relationships. Dates that resemble job interviews followed by social media mind games. The goal being to hold onto the relationship bliss long enough to then talk marriage to lock it down, so everyone can finally settle down. Why?

I often have difficulty wrapping my mind around marriage or "contractual love" as I like to call it. How can you possibly promise someone that you'll love them forever? What happens if you fall out of love? What if you become incompatible? The pursuit of happiness is an inherent right. I would much rather my partner find happiness with someone else rather than feeling trapped in misery with me. Love is a verb - an action, a daily decision. I can think of no greater act of love than to give someone the freedom to be happy even if it means that they find it elsewhere. That is true love. 

Don't get me wrong, commitment and loyalty are expected and reciprocated in my relationships, but having the freedom to leave creates a perpetual dating environment that naturally breeds a deeper appreciation for one another. Think about it - if you know your partner can easily walk away whenever they want, you continue your effort to keep them and naturally cherish their presence because you know they are with you by choice, not requirement. Picture it: Birds in a cage with an open door. Unfortunately, a relationship like this requires a considerable amount of honesty and openness - and really good communication. That is where people shy away - that is where the challenge lies.

"Don't expect loyalty from people who can't give you honesty."

I've been told repeatedly that I'm a rare breed - an old soul that holds honesty and integrity to the highest of standards and often to a fault. I've found that most people are unable to co-exist with such a level of truth. Does this mean that I never lie? That I never make mistakes? Of course not - I'm just as flawed as everyone else! However, what it does mean is that I value honesty so much that it seems to dwarf everything else. Truth goes a long way with me...even if it causes me pain.



Perhaps my thirst for truth is the direct result of being lied to so much over the years. I've found that everyone has their demons and there's no shame in that...but I would much rather know them, than have them hidden from me. To me, discovering a lie is like realizing that you've been living in an illusion which inevitably fills me with self-doubt, sadness, and feeling foolish. I just can't stand it. There's absolutely no reason to lie to me. I'm far too understanding and forgiving. But alas, I have found it increasingly more difficult to find someone who shares this same sentiment...and that's heart-breaking for me. All I've ever wanted was an open, honest connection with someone. No illusions. No false promises. Just real. The older I get, the more scared I become that I won't find that. And honestly, if I can't have that, then I would rather be alone.



This is a double-edged sword for me because being alone sucks. For someone like me, solitude is like cruel and unusual punishment - I need connection like I need air. 

I've always been told that I'm an intense person...a hard pill to swallow. I feel everything so deeply. When I'm sad, it's despair. When I'm angry, it's rage. When I'm happy, it's complete bliss. I get it. I'm hard to handle. Sorry to say, I don't know how to be any other way. I always believed that someday someone would be able to match my depth of passion and my need for honesty. Yet, here I am, still waiting...

-K8

And the plot sickens...

Well, everyone else is talking about it, so I may as well throw in my two cents...

Has everyone lost their damn mind?

Protests, terrorism, race wars...as a self-proclaimed "history buff", I find myself delirious with déjà vu. These battles have already been fought and paid for. I'm perplexed as to how and why they are rearing their ugly heads once again in a different place and time. Are we doomed to keep repeating our own history? Has our progress been nothing but a seductive illusion?

Everyone seems to feel the need to draw hard lines. Us vs. Them. You vs. Me.

So divisive our society has become - and to what end? None of these lines drawn in the sand have made anything better, only worse. Focusing on our differences while deliberately ignoring our commonalities is fueling a fire that will most assuredly burn our nation to the ground.

I have always thought that the difference of opinion is what creates the petri dish of progress; where ingenuity is born. However, recent events have spurred a dynamic that can only be described as pure lunacy. The stability of our nation (due to its size and status) is reliant on our ability to embrace our differences and stay the course. "United we stand, divided we fall".

People need to open their eyes, shut their mouths, and check their egos at the door. There is no winning a battle of witlessness. These cataclysmic clashes occurring on our main stage are only highlighting our weaknesses. People think they are fighting the good fight to be heard, however, they are only drawing attention to the gaping wounds in our society that will only grow septic with time. It's time to dress our wounds and move forward - enough with the petty jabs for the sheer sake of "principle".

This has got to be the most misguided generation to ever take the reins of this country. Albeit it's my generation, but it's one that I never truly felt a part of. I have an old soul that forever feels out of place. I appreciate simpler times and simpler things. I can't connect with a generation that is constantly glued to their phones as their main means of "connection" to other human beings. Their passive-aggressive nature and inability to withstand even the mildest of confrontation or criticism is nauseating to me. Why is everyone so easily offended? Have we lost our ability to simply shrug off the haters and keep walking? Why must every sour experience turn into a public stand-off?

The insurgence of social media is undoubtedly the main catalyst for this change. It creates a forum where everything is news and everyone has carte blanche to give their opinion. As of February of this year, Facebook reported having over 1.86 billion active users - that's an insane number of opinionated individuals (most of which have hair-trigger tempers), all instantly connected by a click of a button. What a powder keg.

This would be a terribly long post if I were to dive into each issue currently overwhelming the headlines, so I think it best to table that temptation for another day. In short, I just wish people would just snap out of it. Stop making assumptions, unfair generalizations, and drawing baseless conclusions. Entertaining this kind of madness is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

K.

Check your individuality at the door.

I'm a nerd. I'm a jock. I'm a stoner.

I'm a Republican. I'm a Democrat. I'm a Libertarian.

I'm an Atheist. I'm a Christian. I'm a Buddhist.

I'm gay. I'm straight. I'm polyamorous cisgender pansexual.

Labels, labels, labels. For as long as I can remember, there have always been labels lurking about and limiting self-expression. Labels may assist with the sense of community which creates a home of acceptance, but I also find them to be equally problematic. It seems to me that once you have placed a label on yourself, you are then held to the defining standards of said label. If your a straight, Republican, Christian, jock - then your identity has already been painted onto the canvas before you can even make one brushstroke. Your identity has been abbreviated into bite-size portions that people can digest more easily. People think they have the answer before even hearing the question.

We are individuals. Do we have commonalities? Of course. But like our fingerprints, we are undeniably unique. I find this to be the most intriguing fact about the human race - so much beautiful diversity.

Can't people just be who they are without limitations and boundaries? Like what they like, love who they love, and believe in what they believe in, without the typecasting?

Change is inevitable - evolution and adaptability is key to survival. How can a society evolve and adapt to their changing environment if it is insistent on keeping itself contained in conveniently labeled boxes? How does anyone ever really get to know someone?

Challenge: Try to get to know people on a real level - no assumptions, no labels. 

K.

Times they are a-changin'...

I stumbled back upon this blog that had drifted into oblivion over 4 years ago and I realized as I "thumbed through the pages" how much I missed it. I think it's time to start writing again.

A lot has changed over the past 4 years. I often find myself looking back from my current circumstances and find it perplexing how I got here. Ever been driving your car and suddenly you have arrived at your destination without any recollection of your journey? Same feeling - eerie and unsettling.

I don't like my current circumstances and I feel as though I have limited means of changing them...at least for now. To be honest, I'm at a loss as to where to start - a classic chicken/egg conundrum. New job? New housing? What if you need a new job in order to afford new housing? All of these questions further complicated by having a 3-year old to consider and provide for. I want a better life for us both, but the current outlook looks bleak at best. I just keep telling myself that the only constant in life is change, so if I give it some time, I will soon face a new reality. It's an unwritten rule of the universe.

I have resolved to set my focus on my attitude. I have been miserable for longer than I care to admit and despite my best efforts (and fake smiles), it has shown through. My world has caught on and my bluff has been called. It's time to face the music. Once the light has revealed a problem, there's no sense in trying to re-cloak it in darkness - you can't un-ring a bell. That being said, I'm doing what I can to find my smile again.

I sincerely think writing will help. I've always found solace in the written word and it has always been the best form of communication for me. I can choose each word with precise purpose to ensure that my thoughts and feelings are communicated clearly. It's therapeutic and soul-soothing.

And just like that, a blog is re-born.

Stay tuned...

K.

Pennies and sense?

It would be nice if we could put some aspects of our lives in reverse. We all get so caught up in the "rat race" that we forget what is most important and tend to blur the line between right and wrong. For what? For the sake of making life easier? Last time I checked, the easiest path is not always the right one.

For the most part, I think we need to re-evaluate our values - why is that we avoid mom & pop shops for the sole purpose of "catching a deal" at a mega-mart. Who are we helping? Who are we hurting? And more importantly...why don't ever seem to stop to ask those questions?

I understand in these tough times that we all need to be money conscious, but I can't help but place at least some of the blame for our current predicament on ourselves.WE let things get this way. You can blame politicians all you want, but it is OUR votes that keep them in office. You can blame the economic downturn on a cyclical roller coaster, but the reality is that is OUR job to keep our financial stability in check. Where is the money going? Could our money be better managed? By whom?

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of the government assuming that we can't be bothered with details. We have a right to know where our tax money goes and telling us that is "over our heads" or "it's being handled by those better qualified" is not an acceptable response.

Unfortunately, we have a handicap. We have a lot of people in our society who are more than happy to let them drive while they soak up whatever handouts they can. This is a huge problem. We don't stand a chance if we don't hold ourselves accountable. It's completely natural to want to accept something for free to make life easier, but as I previously stated, easy doesn't equal right. Perhaps there's nothing we can do to prevent inevitable free-loaders, but I think a little inspiration and social pressure goes a long way. We should make it known that we expect more of our citizens if we want our society to continue to grow and thrive. I can't say that I'm shocked that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer because the middle-class has completely given up the fight. It seems as though the middle class has resolved to just look out for "number 1" and eek through life. How is anything supposed to change with that kind of attitude? Is the bare minimum what we now strive for?

I value hard-workers. There are people out there that take the hard road because it's the right thing to do and that's all the reason they need to push forward. They struggle, but don't expect anyone else to pull their weight. They suffer for the sake of their integrity.

Farmers are a perfect example of this. To me, they represent a simpler time when our nation had it's head on straight. There was no harm in moving forward, as long as you didn't forget where you came from. They work so hard and with so little reward. Many of them struggle to put the food they grow on their own table people because the McMansion family down the street would rather pay for convenience than quality. They'd rather by-pass the local farmer's market that has been in operation for over 50 years to shop at the MegaMart that chemically treats it's produce so it can make the trip from other countries...just to save a couple dollars.

I try to shop responsibly, but I'd be lying if I said that I try my hardest. There's always room for improvement. It's discouraging to know that I'm only one person and my effort probably won't even register on the proverbial P&L report, but my hope in posting this is that I might inspire others to do the same. Shouldn't we all think before we spend?

K.

Pro-decency

A couple of weeks ago I participated in the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure. As the Philanthropy Chair of my sorority's alumni association, I recruited a team and we raised as much money as we could. Our team raised a total of $825 - which was $140 more than we raised last year. I was extremely proud as it is very difficult to raise funds for a cause during tough economic times - everyone was very generous and that meant a lot to me.

So the day of the race came...our team didn't "race", we just participated in the "Family Fun Walk/5K" portion. As we worked our way up to the starting line, I was confronted by the following horrific images...

*Be advised the images below are disturbing and disgusting*

  

Those were just the ones that I was able to locate online. Believe me there were many more graphic depictions plastered on signs and they were BIG...like as big as a person.

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked over at the protesters and the awful signs they were holding with pride - I couldn't stop myself from blurting out "OH MY GOD! Are those people fucking serious?!". I couldn't believe they had the audacity to stand there and preach "family values" while simultaneously imposing these grotesque and horrific images on the thousands of children in attendance!

I don't care if you are pro-life or pro-choice - all I'm saying is that if anyone is going to exercise their right of free speech and assembly, they really should take more care in the manner in which they choose to do it.

Make no mistake - I am a FIRM believer in the freedom of speech, however, I feel it is important to stress the need for social responsibility. What if you were there with your kids and they saw these images -would you mind? How would you explain this complicated issue to a child? Even if you could explain it, do you think the graphic images are appropriate for a child's eyes?

I know how passionate people are about this heated debate and understandably so. Being a person who also likes to "rock the boat", I completely understand the desire people have to stir the pot to get people's attention. But in my opinion, the Family Fun Walk to benefit Breast Cancer was not an appropriate time or the place for that kind of demonstration. This is an issue ABOUT kids, not an issue FOR kids.

So where do I stand on the issue?
I'm personally Pro-Life: I don't think I could bring myself to terminate my pregnancy under any circumstances, even if my life was in danger. To me, a baby is one of the few miracles in life and I would never want to interfere with that. My opinion is purely my own and is never imposed on others.
I'm legislatively Pro-Choice/Anti-Government funding: Our government has no business telling ANYONE what they can and/or can't do with their bodies. Period. In addition, I believe that our government has no business funding either side of an issue of this kind.
I'm socially Pro-Education: I believe that educating people on BOTH sides of any given issue is the only way people can make an informed decision. The focus should be on providing resources to help facilitate that education and allowing the individual to make up their own mind.

And most importantly...

I'm Pro-Decency: No matter what your stance is on an issue, as a member of society it is in your best interest to take your audience into consideration before addressing an issue publicly. Do you have the right to speak your mind? Absolutely! But keep in mind that you are likely to do more harm than good for your cause by making your target audience uncomfortable.

Just a thought.

K8

Mid-life...psychosis.

One of my co-workers told me today that her husband of over 18 years packed up and walked out on her this past Friday. As I listened to her describe the turn of events over the past few days I found myself rolling my eyes at the realization that he must be at "that age" and suffering from a mid-life crisis. My heart breaks for her as she is powerlessly watching her life partner recklessly navigate through this ordeal, making irrational decisions and breaking hearts. Although their kids are over 18, that hardly means they won't be impacted by this. Speaking from experience, a girl watching her father pack up and move out leaves a lasting impression, regardless of the circumstances. Period.

I understand that getting older is difficult for many and is often full of uncertainty, but I think that the irony is that it is often the rash decisions that are made during "that time" that create the "crisis".

Think about it. The anxiety about being too young to be old and being too old to be young is simply an emotion - it's the decisions made by those who suffer from that age-related anxiety that is usually the culprit of crisis.

For example, (behold the classic stereotype) a 50 something married man buys hot rod. He does this to cling to his youth as he is now suddenly aware of his limited time on Earth. He faces the reality that his life is half over and he decides he is going to make changes to make himself happy in his remaining years. Result? He makes an outrageously expensive impulse buy for completely selfish reasons that sends him (and his spouse) into serious debt.

Perhaps it isn't fair to pick on middle-aged sports car enthusiasts, but the point is that this is clearly a powerful emotion that often results in serious (and sometimes irreversible) consequences. The thought that haunts me is that someday my husband of 20 years is going to come home with a bank-breaking purchase or worse yet, NOT come home because he's decided that he would rather be single and live his life to the fullest.

I can't imagine that going through a life transition of this magnitude would be easy for anyone, but I can't seem to bend my mind around how quickly people will through the baby out with the bath water. No stopping to think, no consideration for counseling, and no discussion with their spouse. They simply uproot their entire life (with little or no regard to the impact it will have on others) all in the name of "I'm just not happy with my life and it's half over now".



The quote above is definitely one of my favorites - I think we all forget how lucky we really are to wake up in the morning and have one more day. It's easy to forget that each breath is not guaranteed and that someone somewhere has it harder than we do. I think we should all strive to keep our lives in constant check to ensure that we are living the life we want - a life we are proud of. That way, when people reach this point in their life, they can embrace it as an opportunity for growth as opposed to an opportunity for change. This would better enable them to avert the fears of imminent death and unaccomplished goals and as a result, lessen the occurrence of panic and irrational decisions.

Is this an over-simplified and idealistic lifestyle? Of course - but I think it's worth aiming for.

K8